Much has happened over the past week. First, I finally (at long last) have a job. While it may not be a career or even one I plan to have forever, it's a stepping stone as Daniel puts it. And it's a constant source of income. But it has left me feeling like Owlfish looks in the picture below:
Even typing about the job makes me a little prickly. I hate basing anything I do on income or money at all for that matter. Monetary value usually has had no meaning to me. Furthermore, I don't like making it a huge factor in mine or Abbie's happiness. I feel like you don't need the world to enjoy life or get places. The old adage of "Count your blessings" is how I've set the way I try to live since I started college back in 2008 and it helps fuel my art I create. Sure, I have my days where that is lax and who could blame me? I'm human, I live in a time where technology rules, and money sometimes is everything (sad but true, right?)
But as a single mother, it's been difficult not having any sort of constant income to help raise a small child. I'm forever, extremely grateful to my parents, friends, and boyfriend who have helped me with getting what we need to get by. But it's not without some internal guilt. Not to sound whiny or insensitive, but I don't like depending on others for help when it come to needing things, especially when it's money. Even though I get told "I want to help just because" or "Don't worry about paying me back", it's still a shot to my stubborn pride. I feel useless or like a leech (which I have been called in the past by people no longer in my life). Even though that's not the case, it still bites. And when I get like this, where I feel like I only think of myself or my pride, I look to Abbie and realize that she is also in need. It makes it easier to bear the weight and I've come to learn that it's ok to ask for help or receive it if there are people that are willing to give it without questions. There are good people in this world, especially around those who feel like there aren't.
Also, I need to say this publicly:
I know I am not the easiest person to live with or be with.
I accept that fact with bitter embrace.
When I became a single parent, it was an unexpected, devastating blow. The man I thought was the one, who help create such a beautiful little life, decided it was not to be for his own reasons, and that choice threw me into a road I wasn't ready to travel. Suddenly, I'm left alone with a fatherless child, a broken engagement, and a disappearing future. And it turned me into a hateful person for a time. I was ungrateful and vicious to people who only wanted to help, bitter to my child, and angry at the higher powers. You wouldn't believe this, but even Pagans question their faith. I was angry at my gods for letting this happen to me, feeling like it was some sort of evil karma I didn't deserve. I have struggled with depression and mental illness since I was about 15, so you probably can imagine what all this did to my psyche. Around the time Daniel and I first began dating was probably when I was finally hitting rock bottom again. Feeling like a piece of shit mother and an in general human being, I questioned whether or not it was worth sticking around or if I had even made the right choice to keep my daughter. It didn't really matter how many people, family or not, told me I was doing great. I felt like I was going nowhere.
But recently, Abbie began to start walking and talking. I suddenly started having breakthroughs with my art and finishing school. I finally looked up from staring at my feet and saw everyone who is still around me. I realized I wasn't alone. There are others struggling just like me who are happy and smiling. I know I can be like that again too. Cliche'd or not, I have so much to be thankful for, so many blessings to count. That disappearing future I saw last August was the door closing on a dark chapter in my life that was finally over. It was life opening a new page at an even brighter future, with a healthy, happy baby now walking that road with me. I'm not alone. I beginning to find my motivation and passion to keep going, because there's someone else who wants so badly to see me happy too. She may only be 10 months, but I know she's proud of me. Then there are the people still in my life who also want to see me succeed, to prove those wrong that I couldn't do this. My family and friends, my wonderful boyfriend, the people I've yet to meet. Insiprations like J.K. Rowling's will to succeed (She was a single mother as well) and Naomi Davis of Rockstar Diaries's faith and family values, all have given me motivation. I'm only 22, I have a lot left to give.
Typing all of this out, finally being open about my insecurities to everyone, it feels like a release. I understand there will be people who say I'm being attention seeking or whining. But I have to wonder, "So What?". Let them think that. I'll be ok. This rock bottom has turned into a foundation to finally rebuild my life. I can't waste what gods have given me. Scars heal. People can heal. I can too.
Abigail, do not ever think I for once regret you or hate your dad. Your father helped bring you to me and you gave me the second chance I was waiting for. I love you so much it hurts and watching you grow day by day is helping me grow still. You have a lot left to learn and so do I. The day you finally read this, just know that you are so wonderful and helped create me into a good mother and an even better person. Because I met you young, I get to love you longer, and you changed me for good and for better. I love you, my Owlfish.
"Rock bottom became a solid foundation upon which I built my life." J.K. Rowling
And for sticking with me through this confession, pictures from this past week to enjoy.
All my love and thanks, Amanda