Monday, July 08, 2013

Personal diagnosis


I'm jaded as shit.

Pretty sure that's the biggest answer to all my problems. It's not just my mental disorders, not just stress, not just being a single mom. I'm just lacking in enthusiam in every form. I'm constantly tired and not caring. Ever since I left Carrollton now two and a half years ago, I've found my lust for life and will lessening with each passing day. Granted, for a while, I thought it was because of pregnancy before and after that was killing my mojo. I am not one of those women who enjoyed being preganant. I hated almost every minute of it. Not just with the stress my ex placed on me; I was always sick, I didn't want to move, I got lazy as hell. The only brightsides were the nudges, the kick and pokes, the growing ultrasound pictures from little Owlfish. And that's it. All the crap I got spoonfed about how "this trimester will do___", "your hair will be pretty", "everyone loves that mommy glow"...yeah right. All I felt was gross, fat, and sweaty. Like being on the rag for nine months, minus the gore. I complained more than was necessary. Bitch, bitch, whine, gripe, bitch, bitch. Then came post-preganancy, my immature mind hoped things would start going back to normal. My drive would come back, I'd lose all that baby weight, I'd get happy. If not for my sake, then for my baby girl.

Nope.

PPD kicked in hard, but I didn't even try to get out the rut or seek help. I kinda went straight to autopilot, only coming alive when I was forced into public, not stressed, or Abbie was being sweet (which to her favor, she is almost always sweet!). And my autopiolot is not nice. If anything, I'm a complete bitch and a half. And I get thorny with people easily. It takes so much energy for me to put on a smile in a crowd, to be even a decent girlfriend to a man I clearly feel I don't deserve, and most importantly, the mother my child deserves. And it's my fault to be honest. I haven't given my all to fix it. Yes, I got back into school finally and back on track to getting finishing degree, but I fought tooth and nail for that not for my sake, but to prove everyone wrong that I couldn't/wouldn't do it. So it was in a sense selfish vanity. And now being back, I'm still just as jaded as I was out of school. I have lucked into alot of my work and grades except for my last photo assignment, which I actually forced effort. But even now, I'm still not sure if I did it to get better and wake the fuck up, or just to put on a show. 

Yes, maybe it's just because I'm a twenty something and my jadedness is my still immaturity in life, especially as a first time mom trying to balance that and being an artist. I'm probably not the only one like this out there. But now that I have woken up and figured out what the hell is the matter with me, there's a huge part of my mind that's like "The fuck? Fix this! This isn't you!" I have always hated complacency and living like a sheep. I used to push back on society and live as much as I could. I know I can still do that, just a little differently to be a good example to the little being curretly kicking the side of her crib refusing to go to sleep. It IS possible.

But I still feel that huge tidal tug that screams, "K, well why bother? Nothing's gonna change, so go nap." And it's hard not to shrug, give it, and just be...well, you get it.

Heavy boots and all that. 

Something's gotta give. I know it does. But how to fight it? Where do I finally stand up and go enough is enough? I still have dreams that I have tried to put in motion, only to too soon give up. Is that really how I want the rest of my life to be? Is that the example I want to give my kid?

Hell no.

tL;dR, have my mind vomit on life. If you have any advice, I'm very willing to hear it. Things have to change and I need to stop being such a catalyst to my own drama.